Mothers are the epitome of sacrifice, the symbol of eternal kindness and the always-available emotional anchor. They will protect their children with their lives. Yet these same loving mothers (along with fathers) often end up raising the very men who grow into entitled, emotionally stunted adults. Patriarchy is not just perpetuated by men but by women conditioned by patriarchal values.
In societies such as ours, where male preference dominates every class, religion and neighbourhood, mothers unintentionally become collaborators of male exceptionalism. They raise boys who believe they are gifts from heaven, which wouldn't bother the rest of us women if we didn't have to live with them for the rest of our adult lives.
Disclaimer: Yes, there are those rare, absolutely lovely men who genuinely believe women are their equals, who will fight for our rights with other men, happily take care of the baby and cook dinner without feeling emasculated and well, basically, who seem almost too good to be true. Most likely, it was their mothers who drilled into their heads that respect is non-negotiable—"or else no supper, no TV, no video games." But these men are the exceptions.
Let's talk about the majority of men. From the moment a boy is born, the royal treatment begins. Just like in the UNICEF cartoon show Meena, which exposes the blatant bias towards sons, the boys get the choicest food, the nicer toys, and the best opportunities available. Girls, on the other hand, are trained, gently but firmly, to give up things for their brothers, to take care of them, and consider their needs more important than their own. And it is the mothers who play a big role in establishing these rules from the very beginning.
By the time boys reach adulthood, many mothers have held them so tightly in the grip of affection that it borders on emotional smothering. This makes the recipient used to being the sunshine of the household, unwilling to accept anything less than premium treatment, regardless of his own behaviour.
When the son marries, the dynamics shift quite dramatically. The same gentle, self-sacrificing, doting mother can transform into a territorial hawk. She devotes her energies to save her son from the inept, unfit female she must call her daughter-in-law. Trying to prove that her daughter-in-law falls short in every category becomes a primary mission. The cooking is never quite right, the son is not being taken care of because the daughter-in-law is so lazy, the children are not being raised properly, her relatives visit too often, she has no sense of aesthetics and just comes from "inferior stock". Meanwhile, these mothers continue to pour their adoration on their sons like the thickest rabri (cream concentrated from unbelievable amounts of milk). The son must have the head of the fish, the juice from fifty pomegranates and the eggs of the hilsa—basically the best of everything. This will also extend to the grandsons, but never the daughter-in-law. Because males are born with this privilege.
Of course, there are exceptions: sometimes the daughter-in-law is the hyena, and the mother-in-law the suffering rabbit, because the son has turned out to be a spineless maggot or is in cahoots with the scheming wife. But again, these aren't the norm.
But why do women do this? Why do they perpetuate this absurd sense of male entitlement that turns so many men into selfish, insensitive, boorish beings?
Because this is what they have seen all their lives. Boys as kings, girls as helpers. Sons as legacy; daughters as support staff.
Unfortunately, religious norms are interpreted through the same patriarchal cultural context. Everything reinforces the idea that men are inherently superior.
And so, the cycle continues.
A boy who always gets his way and is never taught compassion or accountability grows into a man who expects the same treatment from the world. When he doesn't get it, disappointment quickly turns into frustration, anger, and sometimes even violence.
Contrary to popular belief, raising a boy is harder than raising a girl. Because society already places the boy on a pedestal. So, how do we teach him how to climb down?
For starters, mothers must recognise that they are their sons' first teachers and arguably the most influential ones. This means teaching boys from childhood that girls are equal in value and deserve equal respect. Mothers must hold their sons to the same behavioural standards as daughters. They must expect their sons to have empathy, responsibility and generosity, and not make excuses for them when they are being selfish, arrogant and rude.
And when the son grows up and marries, mothers must swallow that instinct to cling and be territorial. Instead of searching for faults in the daughter-in-law, they can actively look for reasons to praise her, support her, and make her feel welcome. Instead of serving the son the biggest portion, they might ask the daughter-in-law what her favourite dish is.
These small shifts matter and can change the way men behave towards women, including their mothers, whom many take for granted.
Because if mothers keep showering sons with unquestioned indulgence, they risk raising men who believe the world owes them the same level of devotion and lash out when it doesn't. If we want decent men, we must start by raising decent boys.
Aasha Mehreen Amin is joint editor at The Daily Star.
Views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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