Let us imagine a family is holding two weddings at the same time. The daughter of the house is married off, and a daughter-in-law is being welcomed. After bringing the new girl home, the in-laws and relatives start criticising “the gifts” (read: dowry) she brought from her house, which were asked for by the in-laws. Later, after a few days, the mother comes to know how her own daughter is being treated by her in-laws—being tattled on and often receiving taunts over unnecessary issues—and gets upset. Still, she does not improve her own behaviour towards her newly married daughter-in-law.

There is often a striking double standard in how families treat their daughters and daughters-in-law. A woman may object to the mistreatment of her own daughter while overlooking, or even perpetuating, similar behaviour towards her daughter-in-law. Despite occupying comparable positions within patriarchal family structures, women can find themselves reinforcing the very inequalities they experience. This contradiction remains common across households, even as society increasingly embraces the language of modernity and gender equality.

Consider some of the everyday forms of patriarchy that married women continue to encounter.

Regardless of the family one marries into, many women find themselves facing constant criticism from their in-laws, both direct and subtle. Everyday activities become sites of scrutiny. Something as routine as cooking turns into a test; the mother-in-law watches closely, questioning whether the vegetables were washed properly, whether the utensils were cleaned or not, why a certain spice was added or not, why the fish was fried instead, why the vegetables were boiled first, or whatever else comes to mind. Snooping around, the in-laws provide instructions relentlessly, often delivered as though the daughter-in-law is completely inexperienced.

The emotional burden of patriarchy often lies in the everyday moments of criticism, exclusion and control that women are expected to endure quietly within their own homes. Visual: Collected

Even after all this, when the food is finally served, the criticism continues, this time targeting the taste. In some cases, the insult deepens to the point where family members refuse to eat food cooked by her. They patronise her indirectly, saying, “I don’t feel like eating today”, “I might eat something else”, or “Let me cook today.” For many women, this is a humiliation that is difficult to articulate, let alone be understood by others.

The lack of basic respect is also reflected in how a newly married woman is treated within the household. Instead of being welcomed with dignity, she may be given broken or stained plates, old glasses, or worn-out sarees during occasions like Eid—items that neither match her taste nor reflect any sense of care. Sometimes, she is given nothing at all. She is treated as though she is not a member of the family. On the other hand, without any guilt, it is expected that she will be the provider instead.
Exclusion often extends to everyday moments. When food is prepared or brought from outside, others eat without considering her, neither saving a portion for her nor inviting her to join. Such acts reinforce a sense of invisibility within her “own home”.

Often, these circumstances are dismissed by elderly people, who say, “These are nothing if everything is healthy between the couple”, “We have also faced the same; this happens”, or “These are our traditions; you need to accept and adjust.” But these acts strike like a hammer at the heart of the bride, for your kind information.

The situation can become even more complicated when other family members, such as sisters-in-law or brothers-in-law, share the same household. While their presence can sometimes provide companionship and support, it can also create additional tensions and become another source of conflict in everyday family life.

Privacy is frequently invaded, with constant interruptions and interference in the couple’s personal space. Initially, these might look cute and very affectionate, but when they continue, the situation becomes overwhelming and the water is soon above one’s head.

Privacy is frequently invaded, with constant interruptions and interference in the couple’s personal space. Initially, these might look cute and very affectionate, but when they continue, the situation becomes overwhelming and the water is soon above one’s head.

Another common pattern is the use of constant insinuations and comparisons. Instead of making her feel at home, some in-laws emphasise their own superiority, highlighting their family status, praising their son as exceptionally valuable, and repeatedly reminding her “what an extraordinarily good family she has entered into”. They further add, “We did not demand anything” from her family. These remarks, though sometimes framed as expressions of pride, often function as subtle forms of belittlement.

Boundaries are often disregarded. It is not uncommon for in-laws to enter the couple’s room in their absence, check personal belongings, or take items without asking, treating everything as though it belongs to them.

We know that every woman dreams of a home of her own. Girls of this generation, the previous generation, boomers—everyone. Some have been successful in achieving it; some haven’t. Yet women are often asked to settle in with their in-laws despite facing endless trauma. Even when women raise the possibility of living separately in a respectful manner, the request can be treated as a serious transgression, revealing the deeper power dynamics at work within the family.

So, are you a woman in a love marriage? The situation is even more difficult, I suppose. The lack of a prior family arrangement sometimes becomes grounds for resentment. Women may face remarks about how “better proposals” were once available, or comparisons with what other brides brought as dowry. Such comments are not only humiliating but also deeply hurtful.

Again, for working women, the burden only multiplies. Alongside managing professional responsibilities, they face financial expectations at home, being pressured to contribute, pay for household expenses, or even cover the personal purchases of other family members. At the same time, their ability to manage both work and home is constantly questioned. Delays in becoming pregnant can lead to further isolation, as women are often subjected to social stigma, intrusive questions and judgement.

Have you heard the tagline, “Our son is a jewel”? I hope everybody has heard it, because my own experience tells me that my mother heard it in the 1980s and even my sister did in the 2020s. It continues without any backlash. Their sons are jewels, and the brides-to-be are coal?

A 2025 study by S S Ullah, titled Impact of Gender Role Expectations on Mental Health Among Working Women in South Asian Households and published in the Journal of Social Science Perspectives, found a strong connection between traditional gender-role expectations and poor mental health outcomes among working women. The research revealed that 55% of participants experienced moderate to extremely severe depression, while nearly 60% suffered from moderate to extremely severe anxiety and high levels of stress. The study further identified a strong positive correlation between gender-role pressures and psychological distress, showing that women who faced greater expectations to manage household responsibilities alongside professional work were more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and chronic stress. These findings demonstrate how patriarchal norms within the household impose a “double burden” on women, as unequal domestic expectations, emotional labour and societal judgement take a significant toll on their mental well-being and overall quality of life.

Another study, Extent of Anxiety Among Married Women in Bangladesh and its Potential Predictors: A Nation-Wide Cross-Sectional Study, by M M Tohan, S Zaman, P Paul, N Sultana, S A Nurullah and A M Rahman, published in 2025, found that anxiety among married women in Bangladesh is closely linked to patriarchal social structures, economic insecurity, and unequal gender expectations. The research identified several major factors behind women’s psychological distress, including pressure from husbands or family members to become pregnant, terminated pregnancies, poverty, low educational attainment, early marriage and childbirth, limited autonomy, and the burden of balancing household and caregiving responsibilities. Women who experienced pregnancy termination showed the highest level of anxiety, while those pressured into motherhood by family members also reported significantly higher psychological distress. The study further found that women from poor households, women with less education, and those who discontinued their education after marriage were more vulnerable to anxiety and emotional instability. These conditions often result in chronic stress, emotional suppression, reduced self-confidence, social isolation, and deteriorating mental health.

Much of this could be addressed if the husband, who stands at the intersection of both sides, played a more active and fairer role. While many husbands are attentive to how their parents are treated, they often overlook the treatment their wives receive. They remain silent or somehow escape the circumstances, leaving their wives to handle the situation on their own. A conscious effort to acknowledge, evaluate, and respond to these dynamics could significantly change the situation. Though men of this generation from certain sections of society are playing their role as best they can, we must appreciate that. But they still constitute only a very small number.

We cheer for ‘women’s empowerment’ every day but ignore how a woman is going through this domestic patriarchy and carrying the emotional labour that comes with it.

We cheer for ‘women’s empowerment’ every day but ignore how a woman is going through this domestic patriarchy and carrying the emotional labour that comes with it. Women keep acting strong because this is what they are taught from childhood. There are also campaigns by renowned brands proclaiming, ‘Amra nari, amra shob pari’ (‘We are women, we can do everything’). Why, though? At what cost?

Media reinforcement influences both the alleged perpetrators and the victims to believe and internalise these ideas. Sadly, the media often wins because gullible women can learn to demean themselves, at some point giving it the name of what their families taught them, their traditions, values, and so on.

An example can be found in a television series. In this age of globalisation, when we can watch TV shows from different countries, we can see how Indian and Pakistani serials are often obsessed with portraying the dominant relationship of in-laws with daughters-in-law. I myself grew up watching those. These portrayals can also fuel and reinforce the unequal relationship between in-laws and daughters-in-law.

The mental stress of always remaining cautious, continuously absorbing smirking remarks and hurtful words, subconsciously calculating every response, dealing with mind games, and eventually becoming habituated to all this is not normal.

Many women internalise patriarchal structures and later reproduce them as a survival strategy within the family hierarchy, a phenomenon that the Turkish author and researcher Deniz Kandiyoti terms the “patriarchal bargain”. A woman may think, ‘The things I suffered should be suffered by my daughter-in-law too.’ Even other family members may think in the same way, including the partner, as he may have grown up watching his mother endure and accept similar treatment.

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Many women find themselves facing constant criticism from their in-laws, both direct and subtle.

The amount of emotional burden a woman has to bear to endure such oppression is not logical or reasonable. The mental stress of always remaining cautious, continuously absorbing smirking remarks and hurtful words, subconsciously calculating every response, dealing with mind games, and eventually becoming habituated to all this is not normal.

Many such outbursts can be seen in closed ‘girls’ groups’ on social media, where women come forward in support of others. These groups help women vent anonymously, seek help, share their experiences, and find support. It is a very good option and can act as a catalyst for change. Also, independent women now seek help from counsellors, psychologists, and other professionals without unnecessary delay.

Still, there are many actions that need to be taken to change such practices towards women, particularly towards daughters-in-law. We hear about many cases of dowry-related violence, acid attacks, and the killing of married girls and women by their partners and in-laws. But cases involving the mental and emotional burden women carry are rarely addressed by anyone. This needs much more attention today.

Afra Nawmi is a National (UNV) Communication Officer at UNFPA Bangladesh. She can be reached at [email protected]

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