If you have ever found yourself in an argument with your best friend because he or she keeps tiptoeing back into their toxic relationships and wondered “Why?” you should know that this is so widespread that even the smartest people might sometimes find themselves trapped in the loop of toxicity.
Some people consciously choose chaos in relationships because they have become habituated to it during their upbringing.
According to Abdul Hamid, a psychotherapist at the Monobikash Foundation, for these people, “The emotional environment they were raised in, or how conflict was handled at home, sets the standards for what ‘normal’ love feels like later in life.”
That means, the children who grew up in unpredictable environments, where the parent was warm one day and cold the next, as adults, they cannot register a relationship as ‘warning’ when it swings between highs and lows constantly.
However, Hamid mentions it still varies from person to person, and though family dynamics play an important role, it is not the whole story. Some children might grow up in a stressful environment, yet develop self-awareness that allows them to distinguish between calm and chaotic relationships. Ultimately, this ability depends on the cognitive functioning of the individual.
The first misconception we hold is that people with minimum self-respect would never do such. But Hamid explains that, surprisingly, self-respecting people might sometimes hope that “love” will “fix” the narcissistic attitude or mistreatment of a partner in the course of time.
More often than not, trauma bonding or the cycles of immense affection and abuse create a powerful attachment as well.
That is equally true for self-esteem as well. As the psychologist clarifies, “Someone can be entirely sure of themselves at work, negotiating confidently, leading a team, making sharp decisions; still feel completely unmoored when it comes to their own worth in a relationship.”
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Photo: Collected / eric ward / Unsplash
It is because professional confidence is built on visible, repeatable proof: you do the task and get positive feedback; but self-worth in intimate relationships is shaped much earlier, and much less consciously.
So, it is entirely possible to be a person who commands a room and still firmly believe that this particular partner is the best they will ever get, or that this level of disrespect is what they deserve. Not to mention, toxic partners often exploit this gap.
However, Hamid says, the strongest reason why people constantly fall back is quite intriguing. Manipulative partners typically make you feel like the centre of their world at the beginning of the relationship; they may even make you reliant on them for everyday tasks that you once handled easily, and then later withdraw that support. This withdrawal creates a strong desire to regain the affection you initially received.
In many cases, some might often get baffled to distinguish between a rough patch in a relationship and a genuinely unhealthy relationship. Every relationship goes through periods of conflict, misunderstandings, and stress sooner or later, which are often resolved through mutual respect, open communication, and, most importantly, willingness from both.
In contrast, a dysfunctional relationship is often characterised by recurring patterns of manipulation, disrespect, emotional or physical abuse, and excessive control even after the difficult phase is over.
That brings us to the next reason for choosing a toxic relationship again and again. Sometimes a calm, steady relationship can feel way too quiet; no dramatic highs, no big reconciliations, just consistency, and consistency can register as boring rather than as safety.
Movies and social media play the biggest role here: the intense push-pull dynamics get framed as passion, jealousy as devotion, and chaos as chemistry, while the smooth, functional relationships rarely make for a compelling scene or a viral post.
Over time, that steady diet of dramatized toxicity can quietly recalibrate what excitement is supposed to look like, so real peace starts to feel like the absence of love rather than the presence of it.
In the end, Abdul Hamid advises, walking away from relationships lacking mutual respect is more about being self-aware, and if you find yourself stuck in one, try to grow alternatives that truly make you feel good and surround yourself with family and close friends. Above all, stop seeing yourself as the person who can rectify a toxic partner, and avoid constantly feeling guilty for not trying enough.
