Whether domestic or professional relationships, getting along with those with whom we spend much of our time is not always easy. VISUAL: FREEPIK
A woman is pushing her two toddlers in a stroller across train tracks. Just as a train approaches, the wheels get stuck between the rails. The train is moving slowly and is still some distance away, but the woman, understandably, panics. Her husband notices the problem and steps forward to help free the stroller, but she is already shouting at him: "Aren't you going to help me?!" He lifts the front of the stroller, freeing the wheels, and they move safely across the tracks. He, in turn, snaps back, "I did help you!" The hostility in the air is thick. I find myself empathising with both parties: the terrified woman and the irritated man.
Relationships are tough. Whether domestic or professional, getting along with those with whom we spend much of our time is not always easy. In my decades of experience working with NGOs, I cannot help noticing that sometimes our allies become our worst enemies. For a variety of reasons—competition over funding, egos, differences of opinion, personality clashes, to name a few—working together can be extraordinarily difficult. We may share the same goals and desire the same outcomes, but we do not necessarily agree on how to get there, who should take the lead, or how we should approach matters.
However romantic or pragmatic we are about marriage, I would argue that it almost always requires an extraordinary amount of work. Happy couples may seem effortlessly so, but if we could peek behind the scenes, we would probably witness not only plenty of unpleasant disputes, but also a great deal of effort at peacekeeping. Professional relationships are no different. They rarely run smoothly. They require listening, patience, and compromise. It helps to remember our common goals, to recognise our own faults, to extend forgiveness to others, and, when needed, to step back, calm down, and regain our tempers.
The price of failure in our relationships—personal and professional—is too high. Marriages break up, families fall apart, jobs become sources of misery, and campaigns to improve our society and nation can fail for no better reason than an inability to get along with our allies. As important as it is to develop our professional skills, attain higher degrees, and gather experience, it is equally vital to cultivate emotional intelligence. Without it, it is all too easy to be professionally successful but personally miserable, or to watch the work we value slowly erode.
How can we do better? First, we should cultivate the art of listening. Too often, rather than truly listening, we are planning what we will say next, or our minds are drifting elsewhere. Even, or especially, when we disagree, it is important to acknowledge the other person's perspective rather than dismiss it outright. Often arguments arise because both parties use the same words to mean very different things. And if we can find even small points in common, however strongly we disagree, it becomes easier to reach some form of consensus or at least walk away without hostility.
Second, we should practise patience. Yes, people can be annoying; so can we. Just as we want others to forgive our mistakes and be patient with our occasional inability to express ourselves clearly, we must extend the same courtesy to them. Patience is like a muscle. It strengthens with use.
Third, we should try to focus on the goal. This is particularly true when we disagree with allies. The temptation to storm out, to refuse to work with others—"They're impossible!"—can be strong. Sometimes walking away is unavoidable. But when the goal matters, and an ally has resources or access we need, we may have to swallow our pride or endure irritating and unnecessary lectures for the sake of keeping them on board. Working together can be difficult, but if collaboration is essential, then we must tolerate the discomfort and find ways to move forward together. If nothing else, it helps to remember how delighted the opposition will be if we allow our movement to fragment.
And remember, sometimes, however angry both sides are, both may be right. The woman is justifiably terrified when the stroller gets stuck on the tracks, and the man is justifiably frustrated to be shouted at just as he steps in to help. If we can understand each other's motivations, perhaps we can find more amicable ways to resolve our disagreements.
Working more amicably together will help advance our shared goals. Getting along better with colleagues and family will make life pleasanter for everyone. Yes, it can be a lot of work, but the results make the effort worthwhile.
Debra Efroymson is author of Life Lessons with Bianca: Overcoming Shyness, Dealing with Procrastination, and Other Helpful Advice, which is available on Rokomari.com.
Views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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